More Tea Party Nonsense

These people are relying on a glorified memory of the Revolution via first grade history. They clearly have no understanding of what precipitated the Revolution (which began before 1776, by the way) and what is happening today. George W. Bush trampled on the Constitution far more often than the current administration. Where were they then? They're using the Constitution as a prop, a smokescreen, to begin yet another unjust war - this time on our own territory. Yes, they like their guns, we get it. They need to go buy their guns, go to the firing range, and leave politics to the people who know something.

And the answer is...

My psych test results came back and, as a friend put it, I seem to have hit the trifecta. Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Agoraphobia. I'm a winner! ;)

I had previously been diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder, which is a more even keel/lower grade depression. Sort of like having a persistent low grade fever. Major Depressive Disorder is a more definite diagnosis (Dysthymia is often seen as a "catch all" category), which consists of a similar persistent depression punctuated by more severe episodes. The anxiety diagnoses are almost more important to me. It shows that I'm not just some lazy rabble, but that I have genuine difficulties functioning in public situations. Grocery shopping isn't just annoying, it throws my whole system into chaos.

So, now that I have my results I can work with my therapy team to be sure I'm on the proper course for treatment. It can also bolster a potential bid for disability benefits in the future, if that becomes necessary. It doesn't change the world for me, but it answers some questions and gives me some reassurance.

Oh - and my IQ was 108 - average.

Testing... 1,2,3... testing...

I've been going through psychological testing for the past month or so. (That sounds like a long time, but it's just that the appts were spread out.) My IQ test was today and I don't believe I've ever had an IQ test, so it will be interesting to see what develops. It was a little frustrating for me because one of the questions they asked was, "Who wrote the Sherlock Holmes mysteries?", and despite the fact that I've read the collection three times, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's name would not present itself to me! Until I got to the parking lot, that is. Overall, I think I did well. The most difficult part for me was dealing with numbers. I could do pretty well repeating back a series of numbers, but when I had to repeat them in reverse it got a bit sticky.

I'm glad the mental gymnastics are over and can't wait to discuss my results next week. They may help indicate whether I'm a candidate for disability, in which case I'll have to get truckin' on that process. It takes months and I won't be able to draw unemployment during that time. Meanwhile, I'm looking for jobs I think I can handle and I have to tell ya - there aren't many. I may try some freelance writing through online "clearing houses", but I'm not sure. Just something to think about.

Vacuum Cleaner Cleaning, or Where Would We Be Without Irony?

I spent about an hour cleaning my vacuum cleaner yesterday. It's not that I'm overly obsessive about cleaning - in fact, it's not something I even intended to do.

I noticed the suction was, well, less than sucky. I figured I'd empty the cup and see if there was any junk clogged anywhere. Sure enough, I found a huge clog - in the SELF-CLEANING HEPA filter. Self-cleaning! How's that for irony? Getting all the dust, etc. out of the filter meant shaking, tapping, spinning and brushing the dickens out of it. It would have been easier to replace it. (Did I mention it's supposed to be a LIFETIME filter?) In the process, dust, etc. flew everywhere. It was in the carpet, in the air, falling on light fixtures, furniture, and anything within a 10 foot radius.

Now my vacuum cleaner is all sucky again, but who's to tell how long that will last? Especially since I need to clean up all the dust that fell out of the vacuum to begin with (which means not only do I have to vacuum, I have to dust! again!). Bagless vacs were supposed to be a vast improvement. No more messy bags! No dust flying everywhere! Well, my bag vac was far cleaner. You removed the bag, installed a new one - done. Once in a while you replaced a belt. No major cleaning sessions necessary.

Just another instance where "new and improved" isn't necessarily so! *Harumph!*

Why? Stigma, that's why

Sometimes people ask why it's so difficult for me to reveal my struggle with depression and anxiety. It's assumed that society is much more welcoming to this condition than it really is. In fact, little progress has been made to fight the stigma associated with mental illness.

I've done some reading lately about former presidents John Adams and Abraham Lincoln. Both suffered bouts of "melancholia". Although Lincoln's were far more intense and frequent, they both enjoyed a level of acceptance not seen today. In the last 200+ years, we've actually regressed. A melancholy personality was met with understanding and empathy, if not outright sympathy, in Lincoln's day. Today, depression is regarded as a weakness to be avoided at all costs in a world where only the strong survive - or at least deserve to survive. It's an imaginary ailment dreamed up by people who just want to be lazy.

Nothing could be further from the truth. For 18 years, I gave my all (and then some) to a job and a company which proceeded to abandon me during my darkest hour. In fact, my job was in large part responsible for the breakdown which led to my dismissal. The irony is somewhat tragic.

I'm trying desperately to get back into "working shape" again, but it's taking time. It takes time to recover from any illness and depression is no different. You have to learn how to live your life all over again and that's no small feat.

So the next time you meet someone with a mental illness, please try to be understanding. You don't need to pity them, just don't judge.

The Waking of a Creaky Mind

I suffer from anxiety and depression. So there it is. I was diagnosed in 2003, but have carried it around with me since childhood. I rallied when I started taking medication, then crashed in 2008 due to a number of factors.

Finally - finally! - I seem to have found the right mix of medications to re-awaken my brain to its possibilities. I feel creative, I feel capable, I feel intelligent. These are all things my life has seriously lacked in the past year or two.

So what am I going to do with this re-awakening? Well, the first task at hand is to continue my recovery. I'm currently unemployed and still have some therapy to do before I'm able to work again. I hope to be back in the workforce soon, as my benefits are close to running out. I'm really not sure what my vocation will be, but I do not want to go back to the corporate rut that helped precipitate this latest crash. A writing career would be great, but not entirely feasible in this economic climate. Event planning is one of my fortes, so that's a possibility.

Right now, I'm just happy to have my brain back!

Rosalyn Carter on "The Daily Show"

I just watched Jon Stewart's interview with Rosalyn Carter, promoting her new book on mental health. She's such an amazing person. My hope is that the increased focus on health care in general will bring more attention to mental health in particular. The stigma in our culture has kept it a taboo topic and as a result, not much has changed in the nearly 40 years Mrs. Carter has been involved in this area. God, I hope that changes.

2009 Re-cap

1.What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Collected unemployment.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I don't do resolutions - too depressing when I abandon them.

3. How did you spend New Year’s Eve?

At home watching a marathon of Thin Man movies on Turner Classic Movies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Self-sufficiency.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

My birthday because it sucked and I was lonely.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

None.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Losing my job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Sort of.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My flat screen TV, after my old tube TV finally died.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, food, necessities.

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Use Somebody by Kings of Leon

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Spent time with friends.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Watching my flat screen TV.

16. What was your favourite TV program?

The Mentalist

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

18. What was the best book you read?

The full Sherlock Holmes collection, The Historian, A Tree Grows In Brooklyn

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Re-discovering vintage Michael Jackson.

20. What was your favorite film of this year?

Huh - I actually didn't see any in the theater.

21. What did you do on your birthday?

Hung out at home.

22. What kept you sane?

Paul

23. Who did you miss?

Everyone.

24. Who was the best new person you met?

I don't think I met anyone new.

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Life is a journey, but that doesn't mean you're the driver.